Solo... and NOT loving it - This is me having a MOAN!

Well, this all sucks.

I was planning to get the keys to house, move in and enjoy having my family all to myself in my own house... finally. It's been so long since we lived alone... just us. That's when I'm happiest, and it's been quite a while since we've had a home to ourselves. I couldn't wait... and better yet, we wouldn't even be renting... we would OWN this house. The excitement was brewing... but I wasn't letting it out... I was just waiting for those keys!

Clearly, not the plan from the other side. His revelation took all the wind out of my sails.

Don't get me wrong... I'm happy to have the house... but now it's just mine. I'm enjoying the prospect of settling in, putting it all together and making it a home but my joy isn't all consuming as I had expected it would be. I'm tired... all the time. There's not only the new house stresses to deal with, there's also the new job (which I knew would be high pressure, and it IS) and NOW the new marital status. That's a lot to squeeze into three weeks. The pressure is taking it's toll, and I'm just so feckin' tired. The new job was going to afford us the ability to not skip a beat financially; my increase in wages was going to fill the gap between our old rent and the new mortgage. Now I get to cover all those costs on my own... I'll make it... but wow... what a shift in budgeting!

The kids are doing fine with everything for the most part... They 'understand', but the small girl has lost her bubbliness... I'm so sad over that. She speaks very matter of fact'ly about everything, but I know she's sad and frustrated by it all. The kids... really, that's what's bothering me the most. THEY are the ones who will suffer most through all this... but also, they are the ones who are most adaptable. They'll be alright, I know, but it's hard watching them go through the process.

I'm over the shock and now into the reality that is life without a spouse. I don't like it much... but I think he does... which is a real pisser. I don't suspect he'll ever change his mind. I've been 'letting go' for the last few weeks... but do I hold out hope? Should I just cut the strings or is the possibility of reconnection a real thing? Who knows... he probably doesn't even know himself right now.

I am very busy though, and I think that helps. Distraction is nice... because it would be so easy to wallow in the consideration of my circumstances. There's so much to do to the house and work is so demanding that for the most part, I'll hardly notice he's not there... well... sort of. You get the drift.

I want to make the time I have with the kids the best time and so I'm trying to really include them in the 'doing up' of the house. I had them screwing bolts into a shelf last night... Little Miss is quite the builder! ;) I'm trying not to get frustrated with them... they're just kids... and running around being curious about boxes full of 'SCHTUFF' is irresistible. I'm getting better at just laughing at them... it's such a good diffuser.

I know I'll be just fine... but some days are better than others... understandably. It's just a matter of looking forward and taking one step at a time. Wouldn't it be nice if I could fast forward one year... get through it all and not even notice! :) This next year will be an adventure... much like the last six (why stop now, eh?). I'll come out the other side stronger and wiser and hopefully no less vulnerable to emotion.